Why I loathe airports...

So I've spent a LOT of time in airports and airplanes right now, and let me tell you, I don't like them any more than I did before this trip.  Here are some highlights from my many airport stays:

(By the way, I got to Israel this morning!!)

Nepal:  In Nepal, the airport is pretty insane.  It's a tiny red brick building that looks like one of the academic buildings at CMU.   I went there with my friend Shanika.  One of the security guards was chatting her up while we were there.  When I came along, he glanced at me and asked Shanika, "Is this your mother?"  He was entirely serious, I assure you.  Granted, he may have been dazzled by Shanika's beauty and charm, but this was an absolutely ludicrous statement for several reasons.  First, Shanika is a full 2 years older than me.  I know that in Nepal they tend to judge aged based on height, but Shanika's not even THAT much shorter than me.  It's clear we're close in age.  Second, Shanika is British and I am American.  As he'd seen both our passports, he should have known this.  Finally, Shanika is an entirely different race.  I am white and Jewish and she is dark and Sri Lankan.  I was momentarily offended before I realized that the guy must have been totally insane.  

   Nepal security is also ridiculous.  For an airport where you have to reconfirm every flight, you probably will lose your baggage, and you are likely to be delayed up to 10 hours, they certainly have the security organized and intense.  They pat down literally every person.  You line up into male and female and a same gender guard pats you down.  And when I say pats you down...  They start at your shoulders, go down directly over the breasts, squeezing slightly, and then down the abdomen to the va-jj.  It was pretty touchy feeling.  Usually people have to at least buy me dinner before they can touch my personal areas!  I later heard that sometimes people carry drugs in implants in their breasts, so they have to make sure yours are real...  Therefore, if you have fake ones, I don't advise traveling to Nepal or southeast Asia in general...

     After Nepal, I spent a full 12 hours in Abu Dhabi's airport.  Unlike Qatar, where they gave me free food and had a sleeping lounge, the people in Abu Dhabi were pretty rude and the airport was pretty unfriendly to those trying to sleep there.  Most people decided to attempt the chairs.  After a few painful encounters with armrests and no sleep at all, I decided "screw this!" and just lay down on the floor in the corner.  Not only did I feel gross and kind of like a bum, I awoke to a bunch of middle eastern men staring at me like I was crazy.  Which, I mean, was the logical way for them to see the situation, but still.  

      My worst airline experience so far was definitely last night.  I was feeling stressed about making my flight, especially with such a security conscious airline and all.  For most flights (not those from Egypt to Israel), you go through security and metal detectors 3 times.  You go through one, then you check in.  Then you go through passport control and another security to get to the gates, and finally, you go through a third to get to the holding area for each individual gate.  Since I wasn't flying a normal flight, I had extra security above and beyond all that.   After I got through the first metal detector, before I could check in, I had to go through an individual screening.  I was asked a bunch of questions including "Did you go to a Jewish day school? Why were you in Egypt?  What Jewish holidays do you celebrate? Have you ever been to Israel before?  Do you have any family there?  Why were you in Egypt?  How long were you there for?"  At one point the woman turned to me and demanded "Speak in Hebrew!"  To which I responded... "Ummm... can't do that yet."  After that, she asked me the questions about my bags.  

Her: "When did you pack this?"

Me:  "This afternoon"

Her:  "You packed it yourself?"

Me: "Yes"

Her:  "Where has it been since you packed it?"

Me: "I had to check out of my hotel, so I stored it with the front desk."

It didn't even occur to me that this was the wrong answer.  But it definitely was.  She gave me an exasperated look that said "Really?  Why did you have to say that?  Couldn't you have just lied or something?" 

And said to me:  "Don't you know that your bag can't be out of your site since you packed it?  You have to empty the whole thing out and repack it to make sure you recognize everything in it is yours.  Go through it all the way to the bottom."

Me:  "It was locked while it was at the front desk"

Her: "It doesn't matter"  Subtext:  You're a stupid moron and you're making my job difficult.

So anyway, I went through my whole bag.  Everything was mine.  I locked it again.  She gave me my boarding pass and whatnot.  Yay!  I was kind of shaking when I got through all that.  Then, I had to go directly to passport control and go through a separate line.  When I was through the next security, I saw my flight was delayed, but no one could tell me why or for how long it would be delayed.  At this point, all I really wanted was a Gin and Tonic, heavy on the gin please.  Being as the airport was in a Muslim country, they only had vodka coolers with less than 5% alcohol.  I bought chocolate instead.

     My flight was only delayed one hour, luckily.  After all my bajillion hour flights, layovers, and the 2 over night train rides in Egypt, it felt like a breeze.  (By the way, the flight was delayed by an airline strike.  I'm shocked, but they apparently resolved it in under an hour, lol). 

And from then on, smooth sailing!!  And now I'm in Israel, with my mommy!  And oh man, the toilet flushes and the shower has hot water!  Who ever heard of such things!