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Yesterday marked exactly one year since my sister in law, Kiersten, passed away from breast cancer. While she was technically not biologically related to me, my older brother Adam, had been dating her since I was two years old, and she always felt like a blood sister. I can't believe that a whole year has passed since she died; it seems like only a few days ago that she was laughing with us at the beach or commenting sarcastically on politicians. The day after she died, I didn't know what to do with myself. I ended up writing a note on facebook with all my memories of her, and it seems fitting to re-post it again here.
"This morning, at 1am, my sister, Kiersten passed away. (I guess technically she's my sister-in-law, but I've always just thought of her as my sister). My brother, Adam, met Kiersten his freshman year of college, when I was two. My brother once told me that when a relationship is serious, you know right away. They've always been the perfect couple; their humor fits together like pieces of a puzzle.
I remember the toast my dad gave at their rehearsal dinner. I think I was around 11 years old then. He talked about how great they are together and how excited he was to have Kiersten in the family. He always says in toasts to their children, most people talk as though
they're losing a son or losing a daughter. He says, he didn't feel like he was losing his son, he was gaining a new daughter. And he was so thrilled to be gaining a daughter who was such an intelligent, quick-witted, poised, and beautiful woman.
Adam and Kiersten were married on Martha's Vineyard. I don't remember Kiersten's dress or their vows, or even really the reception afterwards, but I do remember watching her walk down the aisle smiling brilliantly and the beautiful picture they made framed by the Martha's Vineyard coastline.
A few years later, their daughter, Kylie was born. I only have a few memories from a healthy Kiersten with her daughter. When Kylie was only about 9 months old, Kiersten was diagnosed with breast cancer. They had caught it early, but it was a really aggressive type. For all of Kylie's childhood, Kiersten was sick. She underwent many rounds of chemo, and lost her gorgeous red hair multiple times. Once or twice it briefly went into remission, and some days weren't as bad as others, but the healthy days were few and far between and were overshadowed by the weak days.
Every year, Kiersten, Adam, and Kylie would try to come visit us for Thanksgiving. Kiersten loved thanksgiving the way we celebrated it. Even though my maternal Grandmother is technically not related to Kirsten at all (because Kiersten is married to my dad's son), my Grandmother loved Kiersten and the whole family loved having her there. Each year, she'd join in our competitive family game of poker. She won a bunch and always did pretty well. Kiersten's real game was Scrabble though. I played her once (I'm not so bad at scrabble myself) but she beat me, and everyone else, by about 200 points.
Some years, Adam, Kiersten, and Kylie would come to Rehoboth Beach and meet up with me and my brother, Michael, and our parents. We would eat delicious, greasy thrashers fries until we felt like we were going to explode and then we'd play in the ocean. I remember going to the beach with Kiersten when she was pregnant with Kylie and playing in the ocean with her as a little kid.
This summer, Kiersten didn't know if she would be well enough to come. She managed to make it though. From her attitude and her enthusiasm, you wouldn't have known anything was wrong. Her sarcastic wit sliced up politicians and society, and we ate thrashers and read Harry Potter. It was obvious, however, that she was sick and getting weaker. Although her personality was just as strong, physically, she was weak. She had to take a lot of naps, and didn't have the energy to play with Kylie, so she watched as mom and Michael and I played swimming games with Kylie in the pool.
She'd been in and out of the hospital for 6 years. I didn't know that this time would be any different. I never really kept track. My mom called me Thursday morning, and I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was wrong. I was worried that my grandmother had gotten sicker or that someone in our extended family, someone old, had died. My mom told me that Kiersten was in the hospital and she and my dad had flown up to see her and help Adam. The prognosis was very grim. It gave her hours, maybe days left.
On Friday, I learned more about the situation and about Kylie. On Wednesday night, Kiersten had been in so much pain, that she was screaming. An ambulance came and took her to the hospital. Kiersten's mom, Maryann, came to take care of Kylie. Maryann had taken care of Kylie for most of her life. Kylie turned to her grandma and asked "Is mommy going to die?" I can't even imagine how hard that must have been to answer.
At the hospital, Kiersten was in so much pain that they had to give her enough pain killers to sedate her. Over the next two days, she lay in the hospital and her heart-rate slowly decreased.
On friday night, Maryann had a serious talk with Kylie and they cried together. She asked Kylie if she wanted to see her mom one last time. Kylie said "I'm really upset right now. Let me think about it and decide when I'm not so upset." On Saturday, Kylie came to the hospital and saw her mom for the last time.
That night, with her mother and my mother by her side, Kiersten passed away. My mom said it was the most peaceful passing she'd ever seen. I'm not sure how old exactly Kiersten was, but she was 36 or 37. Either way, it's too young.
The funeral will be sometime this week, probably on Tuesday.
I know that death is part of life, but it's still really hard." (originally written February 2, 2008).
I remember the toast my dad gave at their rehearsal dinner. I think I was around 11 years old then. He talked about how great they are together and how excited he was to have Kiersten in the family. He always says in toasts to their children, most people talk as though
they're losing a son or losing a daughter. He says, he didn't feel like he was losing his son, he was gaining a new daughter. And he was so thrilled to be gaining a daughter who was such an intelligent, quick-witted, poised, and beautiful woman.
Adam and Kiersten were married on Martha's Vineyard. I don't remember Kiersten's dress or their vows, or even really the reception afterwards, but I do remember watching her walk down the aisle smiling brilliantly and the beautiful picture they made framed by the Martha's Vineyard coastline.
A few years later, their daughter, Kylie was born. I only have a few memories from a healthy Kiersten with her daughter. When Kylie was only about 9 months old, Kiersten was diagnosed with breast cancer. They had caught it early, but it was a really aggressive type. For all of Kylie's childhood, Kiersten was sick. She underwent many rounds of chemo, and lost her gorgeous red hair multiple times. Once or twice it briefly went into remission, and some days weren't as bad as others, but the healthy days were few and far between and were overshadowed by the weak days.
Every year, Kiersten, Adam, and Kylie would try to come visit us for Thanksgiving. Kiersten loved thanksgiving the way we celebrated it. Even though my maternal Grandmother is technically not related to Kirsten at all (because Kiersten is married to my dad's son), my Grandmother loved Kiersten and the whole family loved having her there. Each year, she'd join in our competitive family game of poker. She won a bunch and always did pretty well. Kiersten's real game was Scrabble though. I played her once (I'm not so bad at scrabble myself) but she beat me, and everyone else, by about 200 points.
Some years, Adam, Kiersten, and Kylie would come to Rehoboth Beach and meet up with me and my brother, Michael, and our parents. We would eat delicious, greasy thrashers fries until we felt like we were going to explode and then we'd play in the ocean. I remember going to the beach with Kiersten when she was pregnant with Kylie and playing in the ocean with her as a little kid.
This summer, Kiersten didn't know if she would be well enough to come. She managed to make it though. From her attitude and her enthusiasm, you wouldn't have known anything was wrong. Her sarcastic wit sliced up politicians and society, and we ate thrashers and read Harry Potter. It was obvious, however, that she was sick and getting weaker. Although her personality was just as strong, physically, she was weak. She had to take a lot of naps, and didn't have the energy to play with Kylie, so she watched as mom and Michael and I played swimming games with Kylie in the pool.
She'd been in and out of the hospital for 6 years. I didn't know that this time would be any different. I never really kept track. My mom called me Thursday morning, and I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was wrong. I was worried that my grandmother had gotten sicker or that someone in our extended family, someone old, had died. My mom told me that Kiersten was in the hospital and she and my dad had flown up to see her and help Adam. The prognosis was very grim. It gave her hours, maybe days left.
On Friday, I learned more about the situation and about Kylie. On Wednesday night, Kiersten had been in so much pain, that she was screaming. An ambulance came and took her to the hospital. Kiersten's mom, Maryann, came to take care of Kylie. Maryann had taken care of Kylie for most of her life. Kylie turned to her grandma and asked "Is mommy going to die?" I can't even imagine how hard that must have been to answer.
At the hospital, Kiersten was in so much pain that they had to give her enough pain killers to sedate her. Over the next two days, she lay in the hospital and her heart-rate slowly decreased.
On friday night, Maryann had a serious talk with Kylie and they cried together. She asked Kylie if she wanted to see her mom one last time. Kylie said "I'm really upset right now. Let me think about it and decide when I'm not so upset." On Saturday, Kylie came to the hospital and saw her mom for the last time.
That night, with her mother and my mother by her side, Kiersten passed away. My mom said it was the most peaceful passing she'd ever seen. I'm not sure how old exactly Kiersten was, but she was 36 or 37. Either way, it's too young.
The funeral will be sometime this week, probably on Tuesday.
I know that death is part of life, but it's still really hard." (originally written February 2, 2008).
After Kiersten died, I spent a lot of time crying and a lot of time thinking. My close friend, Stephanie had lost her father earlier that year, and we talked and cried together a lot. Ultimately, Stephanie left school for the rest of the semester. She told me she needed some time to process everything. A few months later, I decided to do the same. I felt so unmotivated in school and I wasn't sure why. Recently I realized that it was a combination of my sadness and my dissatisfaction with Carnegie Mellon. For almost two years, I'd been coping at a school that I wasn't really happy with. I didn't feel like I was getting the education I wanted, but I refused to accept defeat. But after Kiersten died, I decided I wasn't willing to make it work anymore.
When I told my parents about my decision, they said it sounded like I was facing my own mortality for the first time. My dad said people often face the idea of their mortality when one of their parents dies, but it sounded like that was what I was going through. I felt like my life was racing toward its finish and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with it. A bunch of times I wondered why someone so brilliant and passionate had gone, while I was still here squandering my life while I tried to make up my mind. Kiersten was a brilliant writer and her goal was to publish an article in the New Yorker. She would have someday, because she was always so witty and brilliant, but she ran out of time.
She kept a blog called "50 Tries" about her 50 tries to get published in the "Shouts and Murmurs" column of the New Yorker. I didn't read her blog until after she died, when I googled her name and found it. It's brilliant and hilarious and completely her. I read it from time to time because it helps me remember her more clearly, even though I cry every time. That's part of what inspired me to start this blog. If you want to read it, the url is: http://kiersten.blogs.com/
So today's post is a tribute to one of the funniest and most brilliant women I've ever met. She's been a major role model in my life and I miss her every day.
4 comments:
I cried reading your post. It brought back many memories of my own. It is important to remember every day that life is a gift. This is not to put pressure on ourselves,simply to put our experiences into perspective. I hope you know what a gift you are. I love you and appreciate you so much. I, too, miss Kiersten and too many others who died to soon. Indeed, all death is too soon, I believe.
lovely, Jenn. Thanks. I visited Adam, Kylie and Maryann yesterday for about an hour and they were putting flowers around the house.
Thanks, Jenn. I never got to read what you wrote a year ago and was in no shape to anyway. Not sure I am now either but I appreciate the memories and the shared sadness. She was remarkable, funny, smart and fiercely devoted to me and Kylie. I like to think that she and Sophie get together once in a while to talk and laugh.
The original post (from 2/2/08) and the additional material from this blog post are very moving, Jenn. You have captured so much of Kiersten's vibrancy and courage, as well as the deep sadness of her demise. We all miss her, but we keep her spirit alive by keeping her in our minds and hearts in this way.
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